英文笑話(含翻譯)

Saving money 存錢
Husband: Before I married you, I never thought of saving money.
Wife: And now?
Husband: Now I'm thinking About how much I could have saved if I hadn't married you.

丈夫：在娶你進門之前，我從來沒有想過要存錢。
妻子：那現在呢?
丈夫：現在我在想，要是沒有娶你的話，我可以存多少錢。

Who want to go to heaven 誰想去天堂
The preacher was vexed（生氣的） because a certain member of his congregation（集合，聚會） always fell asleep during the sermon.

As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. So, in a whisper, he asked the congregation. "All who want to go to heaven, please rise." Everyone got up except the snorer. After whispering "Be seated", the minister shouted at the top of his voiced, "All those who want to be with the devil, please rise."

Awaking with a start , the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit（講道壇）, "Well, sir," he said, "I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it."

牧師非常生氣，因為總有一個人在他說教時打瞌睡。

一個星期天，正當坐在前排的那個人又在瞌睡時，牧師決定要好好教育他一下，讓他不要再在佈道時睡覺。於是他低聲對信徒們說：“想去天堂的人，都請站起來吧。”所有的人都站了起來——當然，除了那個打瞌睡的人。在低聲說過請坐後，牧師高聲喊道：“想去下地獄的人請站起來！”

打瞌睡的人被這突然的喊叫聲驚醒了，他站了起來。看到牧師高站在教壇上，正生氣的看著他。這個人說道：“噢，先生，我不知道我們在選什麼，但看上去只有你和我是候選人。”

In a year 一年後
Palmist: The life line in your hand tells that you will die in a year.
Customer: Good gracious! In a year?
Palmist: Yes, but I can't say in which.

手相大師：你手上的生命線顯示出你還有一年將會死去。
顧客：天哪，一年後？
手相大師：是的，可是我不能說是哪一年。

Divorce 離婚
A husband and wife, both 91, stood before a judge, asking for a divorce. "I don't understand," He said, "Why do you want a divorce at this time of life?"

The husband explained, "Well, you see, we wanted to wait until the children died."

有一個丈夫和妻子都是91歲，他們站在法官面前，要求離婚。 “我不明白，”法官說，“你們為什麼到了這把年紀還要離婚？”

丈夫解釋道：“嗯，你是知道的，我們想要等到孩子們都死了。”

Why is he howling 他為什麼要叫
Dentist: Please stop howling. I haven't even touched your tooth yet.
Patient: I know. But you are standing on my foot!

牙醫：請不要再叫了，我都還沒有碰著你的牙齒啊！
病人：但是，你知道嗎，你踩到我腳了！！！

Dad seeking praise 老爸求讚美

5-year-old daughter, wanting her father to help her do something.
Father: "I'm so tired, if you praise me, I'll Be fresh."
Daughter: "Lao Zheng!"
Dad: "Hey!"
Daughter: "Your chick looks really nice ah ......"

5歲的女兒讓老爸幫她做某事。
老爸：“爸爸很累啦，你誇我兩句吧，你誇我兩句我就又有勁了。”
女兒：“老鄭!”
老爸：“哎!”
女兒：“你家妞妞長得可真漂亮啊……”

Traffic lights are so pretty 交通號誌真美

In the side of the bank, there is a crossroads, is the only way that I go home every day.

One evening, I drove the car home with the three-year-old daughter, came to the embankment（路堤） , from afar, I saw a few traffic lights are out, the crossroads were in bad ...

Each traffic light red, yellow, green light, all the bright backdrop in a sunset, is truly beautiful. I quickly called my daughter to enjoy this rare beauty: "Honey, see, is it not very pretty in front of all the traffic lights lamp light?"

Daughter look and said: "Wow! Is nice! Who are they repaired them?"

在堤岸邊有個十字路口，是我每天回家的必經之路。

一天黃昏，我開車車載著三歲的女兒回家，來到堤岸，從遠處看去，只見十字路口的幾隻紅綠燈都出了故障……

每隻紅綠燈的紅﹑黃﹑綠燈都全部亮起，在晚霞襯托下，煞是好看。我趕緊叫我的女兒欣賞這難得一見的美景：“女兒你看，前面所有紅綠燈的每盞燈都亮了，是不是很漂亮?”

女兒看後說道：“哇!好漂亮啊!是誰把他們修好的?”

It's Always Me 總是我

A father said to his sons: "Tomorrow your mother is going to bake a pie. Who is going to eat it?"
The oldest son replied: "Father, I'll eat it all!"
The father then said: "Tomorrow I'm going to butcher a pig. Who is going to eat it?"
The same son answered: "Father, I'll eat it all!"
The father added: "Tomorrow, we are going to plough the field. Who is going to plough?"
The oldest son answered again: "It's always me, always me. Now it's someone else's turn to volunteer!"

一位父親對他的兒子們說：“你們的媽媽明天要烙一張餡餅，誰要吃呢？”
大兒子說：“爸爸，我要把它都吃了。”
父親接著說：“明天我要殺一口豬，誰要吃呢？”
又是大兒子說：“爸爸，我要把它都吃了。”
父親又說：“明天我們要耕地，誰想耕地呢？”
大兒子再次回答道：“總是我，總是我，這次還是讓其他人來吧。”

聯合翻譯引用自http://ev.dewey.com.tw/data/homepage/english-translation.php